There is a lot going on in this one but you can see one of the guys in black take out three different dudes.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Mayne Event and the Hawks
I just saw that Logan Payne is now out for the rest of the season. Seneca Wallace is now out for 3-4 weeks with a strained calf muscle. I believe that means that a total of 5 different WRs will be out next week. It is pretty depressing looking at the Hawks right now, hopefully they can rebound. To try and make myself feel better I thought I would post these videos. The only other thing that can make me feel better is to make fun of Danny and how much he loves bloggingheads.tv, but those jokes have gotten old so I'm not gonna do that any more.
Like I'm not gonna make fun of Danny loving bloggingheads.tv? HAHA that was funny.
Danny once went for a whole week calling his girlfriend bloggingheads.tv instead of her name. He of course didn't realize it because he is obsessed with that website.
Like I'm not gonna make fun of Danny loving bloggingheads.tv? HAHA that was funny.
Danny once went for a whole week calling his girlfriend bloggingheads.tv instead of her name. He of course didn't realize it because he is obsessed with that website.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Movie Review 3: Necessary Roughness
OR: sorry about the wait, devoted fan
Let’s get one thing straight before I start this review: I hate football movies and I hate football T.V. shows. My hatred stems from these two things:
1) The on-field action is never realistic. Ever. This gets my goat like no other. The movies take the sacred art of football and diarrhea all over it. No one gets dragged down, no one goes for anyone’s legs. One guy can run down the field knocking people down like a truck instead of drive blocking or screening them off like in real life. Situations like down and distance are always ignored. There’s always WAY too much bullshitting going on in the huddle. Someone tell Keanu there’s a 15 yard penalty for taking off your helmet. And how did he get the play call in? Oh, and you know the last scene in Any Given Sunday where Willie Beamen runs up the pile and jumps in for the winning touchdown? Completely illegal. They would lose the game and deservedly so for insulting my intelligence.
2) The best part about football (and all sports) is that it’s unscripted. It’s easy to WRITE about a scrappy gang of misfits getting together and winning the big game, but 100 times better when it happens in real life. Expert predictions in the NFL and college football are always proven wrong. I could expertly predict the ending to any football movie about 10 minutes in.
Don’t get me wrong, there are snippets in football movies that get to me. This is pretty awesome. And the music in this scene is amazing. The slow clap in Lucas-starring-Corey Haim? Nothing short of Epic. Lattimer may be the greatest character in movie history. And I always chuckle when I think of a high school friend of mine and his impression of Willie Beeeeeeeamen. The key to enjoying football movies is to pick your moments.
The Program and Any Given Sunday are okay because they are so over-the-top. It’s the unintentional comedy factor pulled off brilliantly. The clichéd dialogue, the stereotyped characters, the ridiculous pump-up scenes…all great to laugh at but terrible nonetheless. Heartwarming based-on-a-true story movies like Invincible and Rudy are also okay because the focus is on one character overcoming odds or some shit.
But THIS movie…this movie takes the cake. It was unwatchable. It fell somewhere in between the two watchable types of football movies, getting caught in a no-man’s land of suck. Not exaggerated enough to be like the Program, not heart-warming at all, and just plain not funny. How do you take Jason Bateman and make him suck so hard?
There are only four redeeming things about the movie. A) The ensemble cast. The “oh it’s THAT guy” moments pretty much got me through. Although, it’s funnier to just think of all these people in a movie together than to actually see them interacting and reciting from this terrible script. B) Rob Schneider as the announcer. Some of his stuff was actually pretty funny (I hope you stay tuned as the Texas State marching band does its salute to gun racks and open beverage containers), but really I just like to laugh at Rob Schneider. He also did his “fumblerooski, fumblina” etc. schtick from SNL, which was amusing in its patheticness. C) The mascot. That fucking armadillo costume is awesome.
Let’s get one thing straight before I start this review: I hate football movies and I hate football T.V. shows. My hatred stems from these two things:
1) The on-field action is never realistic. Ever. This gets my goat like no other. The movies take the sacred art of football and diarrhea all over it. No one gets dragged down, no one goes for anyone’s legs. One guy can run down the field knocking people down like a truck instead of drive blocking or screening them off like in real life. Situations like down and distance are always ignored. There’s always WAY too much bullshitting going on in the huddle. Someone tell Keanu there’s a 15 yard penalty for taking off your helmet. And how did he get the play call in? Oh, and you know the last scene in Any Given Sunday where Willie Beamen runs up the pile and jumps in for the winning touchdown? Completely illegal. They would lose the game and deservedly so for insulting my intelligence.
2) The best part about football (and all sports) is that it’s unscripted. It’s easy to WRITE about a scrappy gang of misfits getting together and winning the big game, but 100 times better when it happens in real life. Expert predictions in the NFL and college football are always proven wrong. I could expertly predict the ending to any football movie about 10 minutes in.
Don’t get me wrong, there are snippets in football movies that get to me. This is pretty awesome. And the music in this scene is amazing. The slow clap in Lucas-starring-Corey Haim? Nothing short of Epic. Lattimer may be the greatest character in movie history. And I always chuckle when I think of a high school friend of mine and his impression of Willie Beeeeeeeamen. The key to enjoying football movies is to pick your moments.
The Program and Any Given Sunday are okay because they are so over-the-top. It’s the unintentional comedy factor pulled off brilliantly. The clichéd dialogue, the stereotyped characters, the ridiculous pump-up scenes…all great to laugh at but terrible nonetheless. Heartwarming based-on-a-true story movies like Invincible and Rudy are also okay because the focus is on one character overcoming odds or some shit.
But THIS movie…this movie takes the cake. It was unwatchable. It fell somewhere in between the two watchable types of football movies, getting caught in a no-man’s land of suck. Not exaggerated enough to be like the Program, not heart-warming at all, and just plain not funny. How do you take Jason Bateman and make him suck so hard?
There are only four redeeming things about the movie. A) The ensemble cast. The “oh it’s THAT guy” moments pretty much got me through. Although, it’s funnier to just think of all these people in a movie together than to actually see them interacting and reciting from this terrible script. B) Rob Schneider as the announcer. Some of his stuff was actually pretty funny (I hope you stay tuned as the Texas State marching band does its salute to gun racks and open beverage containers), but really I just like to laugh at Rob Schneider. He also did his “fumblerooski, fumblina” etc. schtick from SNL, which was amusing in its patheticness. C) The mascot. That fucking armadillo costume is awesome.
and D) Kathy Ireland is in it.
The rest of the movie is so apathetic it doesn’t even qualify as sucky. It’s just…there. The sub-plots are ridiculous (we’re 0-7 coach…what do we do? I know! Lets get a girl soccer player to quit her legitimate sport and join our terrible football team as a kicker! Also, let’s make the fat kids do aerobics!), the factual errors glaring (they have 14 players on the team playing ironman football and not a single one of them gets injured in a nine game season? The girls’ locker room is all the way across campus from the guys’ locker room? A four time nation champion plays in a stadium that holds 14,000 people?) and the ending WAY too predictable (they beat an undefeated team on a *GASP* trick play 2 point conversion!?!) At least Necessary Roughness does us the common courtesy of rolling the credits right after the game.
In short this movie is awful. Stay away from it like a smoldering diaper full of herpes-infected babyfood shit.
UPS Football
I have had no connection what so ever to UPS football since graduating three years ago. I guess I can't say I have had no connection, I am still friends with some of my teammates. I also did go to one homecoming game two years ago. Alright, so I still have some connection to UPS football. I feel that all of this makes me an expert on UPS football and my predictions here should be read and respected. I will not look at how good the teams they are playing are, I will simply use my knowledge of how good they were three ago to influence my picking. My other sources will be the online roster and online schedule. I want to remind my reader (yes, that is singular) that I don't know who starts so I'm making a lot of guesses here. Any comments on players are simply what I can infer from looking at their picture. Sorry suckers, your face is online. I recognize that UPS' first game starts in about 10 minutes, but I will be finished with this by the time the game is done so I will still predict today's game as well. Here we go.
The Loggers' first game takes place right now in beautiful Claremont, California against Pomona-Pitzer. Pomona-Pitzer is a school for hippies and pretentious people. My prediction: Jr LB Trevor Beck will have 10 tackles in front of his family. Sr WR Darrell Stewart will finally have the big game that everyone has been waiting on as he will have 96 receiving yards and 1 TD. After that game he will be praised for his play and his funny Uncle will continue to make fun of his goofy mustache. UPS 21 Pomona-Pitzer 13
September 20th: UPS v. Claremont at home. Many people will come out for this game as it is the home opener. The fans will not be disappointed as Jr DB Frank Speetjens will tackle Claremont's deep threat WR with all the strength his pedophile face can muster (Seriously, he looks like a pedophile in that picture). The offense will be led by SR RB Silas Paul, his 120 yards rushing and 2 TD will capitalize UPS' 28-14 victory. After the game Silas Paul will smoke a hug blunt and listen to his friends make fun of him for not having a real last name.
September 27th: HOMECOMING!! UPS v. Wisconsin-Whitewater (this school is from Wisconsin). This is going to be one of the worst homecomings ever as Whitewater has always been one of the top ranked teams in the country (Div-III standards mind you). SR QB Kavin Williams is going to get sacked 24 times. This will be a blessing in disguise though as the repeated hits will cure him of his scoliosis and will make him spell his first name correctly. The score, UPS is going to lose 0-3650.
October 11th: UPS v. Menlo in Cali. The bye week will be good for the Loggers as Williams will finally be out of his neck brace and won't require to walk with a cane anymore. SO DL Danny O'Brien will beat the OL to get two sacks. His good performs will cause some problems however as Menlo will demand that the Loggers show proof that O'Brien is not actually 35 years old. UPS will win a close one 14-10. Unfortunately after the game a biker game will rob the team bus and everyone on the team will go home with nothing but the clothes on their back.
October 18th: UPS v. Whitworth in Spokane. UPS starts the conference play. The Loggers will walk away angry from this loss as it could have gone either way. Unfortunately for SR RB AJ Johnson many people will blame his fumble in the last 2 minutes as the reason for the loss. Lucky for him he looks like Akon so chicks still dig him. UPS 7-Whitworth 10.
October 25th: UPS v. PLU at home. The rivalry continues...UPS will finally win this one and Frosty will turn in his grave (he is dead right?). PLU will walk away holding hands and crying like bitches. JR CB Cory Haywood will get one INT and 4 tackles. After the game he will celebrate at the Bada Bing! , unfortunately he will offend some large Italian man by wearing his mobster look alike suit. He will never be heard of again. UPS 35-PLU 28.
November 1st: UPS v. Linfield at home. This game will go in the fashion of homecoming. A lot of people show up just to watch their friends or family members get trucked by better athletes. Bring the kids! FR K Peter Topolski will get much action as he will punt the ball 12 times, unfortunately half of them will be blocked (I'm guessing he is punting because there is no punter listed on the roster). This will be the only time during the season that he sees any action besides tackling drills during Tuesday practices. After the game Peter will celebrate by playing ultimate frisbee with his hippie friends. UPS 0 - Loggers 590
November 8th: UPS v Willamette in Oregon. This will be an exciting game but UPS will lose by one point, 14-13. It will come down to one missed extra point. SO K Alex Gardner will be blamed in the paper by Coach Willy even though coach will say at the beginning of the season he will never point out one person for a loss. After the game Gardner will listen to the Tabernacle Choir to calm down and calm his urges to punch coach in the face. The holder screwed him over, it wasn't his fault!
November 15th: UPS v. Lewis and Clark at home. UPS will end the season with a convincing win 35-10. SR OL Boone Freeman will have a great game with 14 pancake blocks. After the game he will drink a fifth of Jack and then go hunting. His hunting trip will be successful and he will kill a big 12 point buck. The blood will taste delicious and he will never be the same again.
This will bring the UPS season to a close with a final record of 5-4. There you go...that is how the season will turn out. I really don't believe that any of my predictions will be wrong.
Here are my picks for Week 2 of the NFL season:
Tennessee over Cincinnati
Green Bay over Detroit
New Orleans over Washington
Kansas City over Oakland
Carolina over Chicago
New York Giants over St. Louis
Jacksonville over Buffalo
Indianapolis over Minnesota
Seattle over San Francisco
Atlanta over Tampa Bay
Arizona over Miami
San Diego over Denver
New England over New York Jets
Pittsburgh over Cleveland
Dallas over Philadelphia
Houston over Baltimore
Last week: 9-7
Season: 9-7
Friday, September 12, 2008
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