Don't talk, it's easier this way.: May 2012

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Speaking of Mental Health

I thought this followed up Tanner's great post nicely...

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

After Easter, Stefan wrote a very informative and morbidly interesting blog describing his strange trip to the emergency room. In that tradition, I wanted to post about what happened at casa de Tanner yesterday evening regarding an odd lady, the police, and some presumably poisoned muffins.

I was watching the Spurs demolish the-team-who-shall-not-be-named in my living room when halftime came about, prompting me to go to my room and change out of my work clothes. In my room, I also happened to get a couple of DrawSomething alerts, so I sat down to answer some of those, as I am wont to do. After finishing one, I heard my roommate Amber talking to another female voice in the kitchen, and I thought That’s odd, I didn’t hear the doorbell, and as most of my roommate’s friends are attractive women my age, I immediately went out to investigate. There, in my kitchen, stood a quite un-attractive woman of about forty years with really bad skin, and after a confused “hi?” came out of my mouth she ran up to me and gave me a big hug that lingered too long and rubbed my head seductively. I immediately looked at Amber with my best “who the fuck is this?” face, and saw that she was looking at me with the same expression. After the hug, I waited for the lady-I-didn’t-know to introduce herself, or let the awkward silence linger long enough for her to give some sort of explanation, but she just stood there smiling. It occurred to me that she was waiting for me to recognize her, so I started searching my mind: was she some relative I knew long ago? Was she someone I knew from the writing journal at WSU Tri-Cities? Was she one of my parents’ friends? You see, sometimes when you grow up in the Tri-Cities people assume you know who everybody is, and I’ve had many awkward conversations with people I only barely recognize; at the hardware store or in rec sports or at Costco (okay, mostly at Costco), so I was hesitant to just plain out ask her who she was. At first. But after about five minutes I just looked at her and said, “Who ARE you?” To which she replied, “I’m Amber.” This is when my head alarm went off.

Well, clearly you are just repeating what my roommate said and are being deliberately vague and weird. “What are you doing in my house?” I asked. She brought beer and muffins, she said, and held up a Guinness in a bottle to show me. The muffins were on the counter in a big Ziploc freezer bag. The ensuing conversation led to me asking several more questions, ranging from “are you sure you are in the right house?” to “ARE YOU INSANE GETTHEFUCKOUTOFHERE?!?” and none of them were answered with anything more than an awkward smile. At this point, Amber (my roommate, not the crazy lady) had the Richland police department on the phone. I contemplated grabbing the crazy person and throwing her out physically, but then I thought that she very well might bite me and give me Hepatitis. Plus, when I told her I was going to physically throw her out she gave me the creepiest (seriously not hyperbole) look that could have been interpreted as “ravage me, bald head” or “touch me and I will bite off your nose,” so I decided to make sure I stayed on the other side of the counter.

Finally, I think it registered with her that Amber was talking to the police and giving them her description, so she just walked out the door and down the street. As soon as Amber got off the phone, we immediately tried to start a conversation about it, but were both too weirded out to really process the encounter and mostly just kept saying “What. The. Fuck?” The doorbell rang shortly after, and a police officer was there to ask us what happened. Amber’s story was she was out on the back porch on the phone and letting her dog run around while I was in my room, and apparently that’s when this lady just walked in to my house and into my kitchen. Amber came in from the porch and saw her in the pantry, going through food and stuff, and the refrigerator door was open. Thinking it was someone I knew, my roommate just started being friendly with her, and when I came out and the lady gave me a hug, she thought I must know who it is. Amber said afterward that at first she thought I was just pretending not to know what was going on because I was embarrassed for hooking up with this very unattractive lady over the weekend (Amber was at Sasquatch and I had the house to myself) to which I replied, *DRY HEAVE. The actual conversation ended like this: Amber - “Well I was thinking c’mon Tanner, you don’t have to be so desperate. I can introduce you to people…” Me - *Laugh/Awww…I’m that pathetic?

But I digress. The cops took our statements and were really shocked to learn that she just walked into our house uninvited. Turns out, this lady lives right down the street, and she told the cops that she got in a fight with her husband and just needed someone to talk to, so she was visiting her neighbors. At first, the police thought we were over-reacting, but then they talked to her more, and she gave them some more creepy hugs, and they found out her husband wasn’t even home. She left her two kids there (eight and ten years old) to come visit us, and the more she talked to the cops the more they began to see why Amber and I were freaking the fuck out. Also, it turns out her name actually WAS Amber, so ironically the one thing she answered truthfully and coherently was actually what made me think she was crazy.

The cops made her call the crisis hotline, and after a lengthy (and I’m assuming bizarre) conversation they recommended that she visit the mental hospital, calling her episode “consistent with a complete psychotic breakdown” and the cops said that if she isn’t committed that we need to be careful with her in the neighborhood, because she could easily get violent. I went to the sporting goods store and bought some pepper spray, because, again, Hepatitis. Also, I threw the muffins away, but I’m gonna enjoy that Guinness later.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Euro 2012 All Ugly Team

Two years ago I made a World Cup All Ugly Team and since that time I have matured and become more of an adult. One thing that has not matured however is my passion for making All Ugly Teams. Now as I wrote last time..."I have decided to make my all ugly team. Some are picked for obvious reasons and others for specific reasons. Enjoy and be happy you don't look like these guys, but be envious of the money they probably make. Before you think I am being mean with this just do a google image search of their names followed by wife or girlfriend."

To put this team together I did massive amounts of research (wikipedia) and initially had a list of 22 ugly dudes. I have done more in depth research and have made my list to 11 starting players and an honorable mention or two. Some of the players on this team were also members of my World Cup All Ugly Team. Now you may think that is just being lazy by not picking new players but I disagree, it just proves how totally ugly they are.

I present to you my Euro 2012 All Ugly Team. I am going with a 4-4-2 lineup by the way. Some players might play multiple positions so don't get all technical on me if I put someone as a mid instead of a forward.

Goalkeeper...

I was going to say Gianluigi Bufon (Italy) but then I saw the glorious face of David Forde (Ireland).

Defense...

It is really unfortunate that Carles Puyol is hurt and will not be participating for Spain. Not only is he ugly be he is also a really really really good player.

John Heitinga (Netherlands) - He looks alright if he doesn't show much expression or his teeth, but when he lets those pearly whites loose? uh oh

Tara Mykhalyk (Ukraine) - Unfortunately he shares the same problem as Pepe (coming up soon)...being a smudgy face.

Pepe (Portugal) - Our first repeat! I am not counting Puyol as he is just an honorable mention. Smudgy face! One more smudgy face honorable mention, Rolando (Portugal).

John Terry (England) - I just really hate this guy for multiple reasons. He is like the anti-Christ version of Bono (see the resemblance?). He has been accused of having an affair with a teammate's girlfriend, he is still appealing a ruling that he was using racist language during a game in November 2011 thus causing him to lose his spot as the English captain for the second time (first time? look above at the girlfriend part), not bad enough? oh yeah in September 2001 he and two other players were fined for making 9/11 remarks to some America tourists in the Heathrow Airport. Maybe worst of all... he plays for Chelsea.

Midfield...

Honorable mention - Bastian Schweinsteiger (Germany), now that he has gone back to a normal haircut he has lost his starting spot on the All Ugly Team, look up his girlfriend though, damn.

Frank Ribery (France) - This may seem too easy but c'mon, the guy had sex with a 16 yr old prostitute. I have a responsibility to call him out.

Ognjen Vukojevic (Croatia) - Hello Skeletor?

Mesut Ozil (Germany) - The Lemur returns!

Raul Meireles (Portugal) - Give it up dude, you're bald.

Forwards...

Congratulations the Netherlands! You have the two starting forwards!

Dirk Kuyt - He has had an amazing soccer career since being in Goonies.

Arjen Robben - He has the same affliction as Greg Oden, Wayne Rooney, and LeBron James. He is only 28 but he has the face of a 48 year old.

Again, this is all in fun (except in the case of John Terry and Franck Ribbery) and these dudes make tons of money and have hot girlfriends and we all know that those are the two defining things in life. Money and chicks.

David Attenborough and the tortoise

Friday, May 25, 2012

This is not a trailer for a real film. Bill Murray was kind enough to grant us our wish of walking down the hallway in slow motion - simple. This is better than autograph.

Thank you, Bill Murray.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Leider Geil

This song is still really popular in Germany right now. Geil is a slang word for cool or sick or dope or pimp. Geil also has another meaning sexy or horny. In the context of this song it means cool. Leider means unfortunate. Sooooo this song is called Unfortunately Cool.

Here are the the translated lyrics from Google Translate...The is a pretty rough translation but just from watching the video you can understand what they are talking about.

I'm sorry butI must admit, unfortunately,There are things in the worldare - unfortunately cool.Car's make mud,Environment breaksbut 'ne new truck is fat'Unfortunately, cool.I nibble 'on NEM'Crayon, Mom says 'Do not!'but I entpanntUnfortunately, cool.Psychosis diagnosis,I do not careif one hibbeltbefore getting upUnfortunately, cool.'Get rid of the atom!'you hear them cryI charge my phoneUnfortunately, cool.'ve Finally got a jobmust get up early tomorrowversack 'in a speakeasyUnfortunately, cool.The teeth are brown,it still does not hurtI do not go 'to the dentistUnfortunately, cool.I decorate,drunken friendsis' indeed common butUnfortunately, cool.Bad for the young,bad for the North Sea,bad for the headbut unfortunately, cool!Bad for your karma,bad for the future,bad for the jobbut unfortunately, cool!Do not 'soyou like it, but alsoI am a part of youLook around you but,'They look at you,they are the same as we.Do not 'soyou like it, but alsoI am a part of youLook around you but,'They look at you,'They look at you,look 'at them.Away with the books,away with the shelfMy new flatUnfortunately, cool.The bank sends' ne billI'll do it not,I'll throw 'it into trash!Unfortunately, cool.I get up in the morning,The coffee is delicious,I lay myself down againUnfortunately, cool.I can not see anythingall is dark,But sunglasses in the club isUnfortunately, cool.The board of DeicideNich was' my thing,but their shows areUnfortunately, cool.Oh God who is this quirk,beside me in bed,I was probably last nightUnfortunately, cool.LED beneath their bed,LED beneath their wardrobe,LED beneath their bedUnfortunately, cool.A dragon and a warrior,fight on the hillAirbrush paintingsUnfortunately, cool.Bad for the quota,bad for the fifth,bad for my quadbut unfortunately, cool!Bad for the plans,bad for the Plauze,bad for the plotbut unfortunately, cool!Do not 'soyou like it, but alsoI am a part of youLook around you but,'They look at you,they are the same as we.Do not 'soyou like it, but alsoI am a part of youLook around you but,'They look at you,'They look at you,look 'at them!I look like a lot,I like to watch long,You know TV courtroom?Unfortunately, cool.I can not afford it,everything on rates,the card is glowingUnfortunately, cool.I wave to the veganswith his mouth full of meat ... mmh!Unfortunately, cool.Above, a cat,Unfortunately, she is dead,but celebrate three days wasUnfortunately, cool.Stop thinking 'whichswitching 'from your brain,follow your instinctsUnfortunately, cool.I stand to NEN 'burgerBock on the breast,Bock on the beer!Unfortunately, cool.Small children's hands,Sew beautiful shoes,my new sneakers areUnfortunately, cool.In this songhas nothing at all rhymed,no one has noticed!eider cool.Do not 'soyou like it, but alsoI am a part of youLook around you but,'They look at you,they are the same as we.Do not 'soyou like it, but alsoI am a part of youLook around you but,'They look at you,'They look at you,look 'at them!Bad for the effectbad for the truth,bad for the wokbad for the Greeks,bad for the Gema,bad for your 'God!