40 oz. and a movie review: Jumper

OR: I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend

I have no job, and the only productive things I have to do in my life right now are: Alpha - painstakingly edit a sixty page thesis dissertation written by a man who learned English from hanging around Peace Corps flophouses, and Bravo - apply for jobs that I am either: Unoone - not qualified for, or Bissotwo - don't want to do.

* Digression #1: I am really getting in to using the Military Alphabet lately.

So what do I do to avoid doing either of those two things but somehow convice myself that I am not a complete loser? Why, blog of course. And get drunk while doing it. People have been asking me for another movie review for a while, and I hate to disappoint my loyal following, and when I saw that "Jumper" was on HBO on demand, and when I realized that I had a "delicious" forty left over from a hastily thrown together "G-Thang" party...the math just made sense. Plus I had already drank a bottle of wine and it is easy to talk myself into doing stupid things after I drink a bottle of wine.

The plan was simple: pace myself so that I finish the forty as the movie ends, and write down my thoughts and blog about them the next day. I ended up with three pages of notes and multiple digressions. It's all crap. The following is my attempt to (in the immortal words of my Pasco High football coach) make chicken salad out of chicken shit. In case you forgot, here is the movie I am talking about:



Part 1) 0-15 mins [0-7 ounces]

The first thing I notice about the movie is that it is narrated by Hayden Christensen. I understand that he is the star of the movie, and that the ladies love him, but if there were ever a Hollywood star who needed a voice transplant it is he. On a scale from One (Lou Holtz) to Ten (Morgan Freeman) of people I want to hear narrate a movie, Hayden is about a 2.4. And to make it worse, it is needless and poorly written narration. This is a special effects/superhero movie! Just show us shit blowing up and teleport around to cool places! All you're doing, writer, is making us annoyed with the main character.

That aside, the WHOOSHING effects are pretty cool. Doug Liman does a good job with making the movie watchable dispite EVERTHING ELSE he has going against him.

Part 2) 16-30 mins [8-15 ounces]

What THE SHIT is up with Samuel L. Jackson's hair? It looks like he put on a plastic mask and had Santa's elves spray him with Christmas tree flock:

And now we get Summer from the O.C. added to the mix as Hayden's girlfriend. Can there be be a couple with two more annoying voices? I think I had heard that she was in this movie at some point, but I completely forgot until now. Just for fun, I am going to drink every time she says "hey," or "ew," or someone's name.

**Digression #2 - While looking for videos to illustrate how annoying this on-screen couple is, I discovered that they are actually together in real life. Beautiful boring people bother me on their own, but it is really irksome when they team up. This almost made me throw up.

Part 3) 31-45 mins [16-20 ounces]

Okay. Not only am I now bothered by how annoying Rachel Bilson is, but now I am annoyed at how STUPID her character is. Here is the sequence of events that proves to me that "Millie" should be wearing a helmet:

David (Hayden's character) walks in to the bar where Millie works, tries to leave until someone recognizes him, and gets into a fight. After the fight, he tells Millie that he is in banking, and that he is traveling to Rome and wants her to come with him. And she goes. What the fuck Millie?! He just came into your bar after being gone for 8 years, gets in a fight with one of your friends, and you go to Rome with him?! C'mon.

In the movie, Rachel Bilson's character and Hayden's character first "make love" ((to this song...gag...)) when they get to the hotel room in Rome. This would never happen in real life. She agrees to go to Rome with him either because she is a slut or because she is using him as a free trip to Rome. If she is a slut, then he's convincing her to do it on the plane. If she is using him for a free trip to Rome, she is holding out sex as long as she can until she gets more presents, like jewelery, clothing, etc. This is another reason I think her character is mentally challenged.

Also, this guy she just met and went to Rome with and did in the hotel room just after landing, is uber rich and says he's in banking. He is also really good at getting into places he shouldn't. He also blatently disgregards all rules and "do not enter" notices. Um. Maybe he's a bank robber? Just saying, most non-retarded people would have been clued in.

46-60 mins [21-28 ounces]

So there's a bunch of fuck that goes on that I don't really understand where we meet another jumper (the homo from Billy Elliot) that explains that some religious fanatics called paladins are hunting them or some shit. I am hungry so I start to make pancakes. I also realize that I have clothes sitting in the dryer that have been dry for like 4 hours.

***Digression #3 - Why do I get dirty looks everytime I go to Goldie's (see Ali D's review) to get quarters for laundry? What do they care if I come in on a Tuesday evening, put two dollars in the machine, grab my quarters, then peace out? I just spent like fifty bucks there Saturday buying a round of touchdowns after the aformentioned "G-Thang" party. They should be grateful damnit!

And by getting my clothes out of the dryer I end up burning my pancakes. This 40 oz. and a movie thing is ruining my life right now.

61-88 mins [28-40 ounces]

I begin to realize that this is a really short movie and have to start making serious work on my forty. The action is getting pretty intense (there is one pretty bad-ass moment where Billy Elliot teleport-punches Sam Jackson through a brick wall) and I am drunk enough to not even try to follow what's going on.

Then there is the moment of all moments. Though the power of love, presumably, Hayden WHOOSHES a whole apartment building. It almost kills him, but Rachel Bilson revives him with the best impromptu ad-lib dialogue I have ever heard: "David...hey, hey...David...hey, hey...David". O.M.G. I rewind the DVR to make sure that is what she said, and it is ver batum. I am also reminded to take seven drinks, and I am also reminded to laugh my ass off. After this, the movie can't lose!

****Digression #4 - I looked everywhere for some video to show you this part. It is freaking unreal. But not as funny as this.

So the ending of the movie brings a small surprise but mostly sets up for a sequel that I will never see. Unless it is five years from now and I am still unemployed.

*****Digression #5 - So is their Celebrity couple name Rayden?