A Warning in the Form of a Burger

Or: What Good Burger tells us about the modern sports era

In 1997, Nickelodeon Movies released a 103 minute masterpiece of comedy. Based on the highly successful skit from the critically acclaimed adolescent sketch comedy show "All That", Good Burger stars Kel Mitchell and Kenan Thompson as a Ed and Dexter, pair of miss-matched burger salesmen who must team together to save the local fast food joint from failure. The film also features a bevy of other stars and starlets, including Abe Vigoda, Linda Cardellini, George Clinton and Shaquille O'Neal. A modern day reinterpretation of the Neil Simon's classic The Odd Couple, the movie is a wonderful piece of entertainment that can be enjoyed by people of all ages. But Good Burger is so much more than one of the greatest comedies of the 1990s. It is a timely warning about the issues of performance enhancing drugs in athletics.

These days, it is hard to finish a viewing of Good Burger without immediately feeling that its poignant message resonates with current events. Released just one year before the drug-fueled home-run race between Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa revitalized Major League Baseball, the film recounts how Mondo Burger, Good Burger's primary competition in the local fast food market, uses an illegal meat enhancing substance to create bigger burgers. When our heroes discover this travesty, they work to expose Mondo Burger and its diabolical manager, Kurt Bozwell, and protect the health of its customers. The parallels between this plot and the recent outing of a number of leading athletes using performance enhancing drugs seems obvious. Good Burger is clearly warning us: "Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, Floyd Landis, Roger Clemens, Shawne Merriman... these people are not to be trusted. Take heed!"

But not only does the movie make it quite apparent that using such substances is both immoral and illegal, it also seems to point out how these sports stars would react when caught. Instead of simply grabbing the illegal substance and giving it to the police, which would have allowed Kurt to impugn Ed's honesty and use expensive lawyers to fight the charges in court, Ed overloads Mondo Burger's burgers with the substance, causing them to explode and destroy the restaurant. This action brings the police to the restaurant, where they find the rest of the illegal substance and arrest Kurt. Similarly, many of the athletes caught using performance enhancing drugs have impugned the honesty of those accusing them or have used their massive wealth and influence to complicate and delay the legal process. Most players being punished are being punished for lying about about their actions, rather than for the act of using performance enhancing drugs. Had those charged with regulating and enforcing drug policy in professional athletics followed Ed's example, it is likely that we would have seen more effective enforcement and more fitting punishments for those that violated the rules.

Overall, the moral we can take from Good Burger is clear: Emulate Michael Phelps rather than Alex Rodriguez. You won't improve your athletic performance, but you will probably enjoy your viewing experience more.