I have had no connection what so ever to UPS football since graduating three years ago. I guess I can't say I have had no connection, I am still friends with some of my teammates. I also did go to one homecoming game two years ago. Alright, so I still have some connection to UPS football. I feel that all of this makes me an expert on UPS football and my predictions here should be read and respected. I will not look at how good the teams they are playing are, I will simply use my knowledge of how good they were three ago to influence my picking. My other sources will be the online roster and online schedule. I want to remind my reader (yes, that is singular) that I don't know who starts so I'm making a lot of guesses here. Any comments on players are simply what I can infer from looking at their picture. Sorry suckers, your face is online. I recognize that UPS' first game starts in about 10 minutes, but I will be finished with this by the time the game is done so I will still predict today's game as well. Here we go.
The Loggers' first game takes place right now in beautiful Claremont, California against Pomona-Pitzer. Pomona-Pitzer is a school for hippies and pretentious people. My prediction: Jr LB Trevor Beck will have 10 tackles in front of his family. Sr WR Darrell Stewart will finally have the big game that everyone has been waiting on as he will have 96 receiving yards and 1 TD. After that game he will be praised for his play and his funny Uncle will continue to make fun of his goofy mustache. UPS 21 Pomona-Pitzer 13
September 20th: UPS v. Claremont at home. Many people will come out for this game as it is the home opener. The fans will not be disappointed as Jr DB Frank Speetjens will tackle Claremont's deep threat WR with all the strength his pedophile face can muster (Seriously, he looks like a pedophile in that picture). The offense will be led by SR RB Silas Paul, his 120 yards rushing and 2 TD will capitalize UPS' 28-14 victory. After the game Silas Paul will smoke a hug blunt and listen to his friends make fun of him for not having a real last name.
September 27th: HOMECOMING!! UPS v. Wisconsin-Whitewater (this school is from Wisconsin). This is going to be one of the worst homecomings ever as Whitewater has always been one of the top ranked teams in the country (Div-III standards mind you). SR QB Kavin Williams is going to get sacked 24 times. This will be a blessing in disguise though as the repeated hits will cure him of his scoliosis and will make him spell his first name correctly. The score, UPS is going to lose 0-3650.
October 11th: UPS v. Menlo in Cali. The bye week will be good for the Loggers as Williams will finally be out of his neck brace and won't require to walk with a cane anymore. SO DL Danny O'Brien will beat the OL to get two sacks. His good performs will cause some problems however as Menlo will demand that the Loggers show proof that O'Brien is not actually 35 years old. UPS will win a close one 14-10. Unfortunately after the game a biker game will rob the team bus and everyone on the team will go home with nothing but the clothes on their back.
October 18th: UPS v. Whitworth in Spokane. UPS starts the conference play. The Loggers will walk away angry from this loss as it could have gone either way. Unfortunately for SR RB AJ Johnson many people will blame his fumble in the last 2 minutes as the reason for the loss. Lucky for him he looks like Akon so chicks still dig him. UPS 7-Whitworth 10.
October 25th: UPS v. PLU at home. The rivalry continues...UPS will finally win this one and Frosty will turn in his grave (he is dead right?). PLU will walk away holding hands and crying like bitches. JR CB Cory Haywood will get one INT and 4 tackles. After the game he will celebrate at the Bada Bing! , unfortunately he will offend some large Italian man by wearing his mobster look alike suit. He will never be heard of again. UPS 35-PLU 28.
November 1st: UPS v. Linfield at home. This game will go in the fashion of homecoming. A lot of people show up just to watch their friends or family members get trucked by better athletes. Bring the kids! FR K Peter Topolski will get much action as he will punt the ball 12 times, unfortunately half of them will be blocked (I'm guessing he is punting because there is no punter listed on the roster). This will be the only time during the season that he sees any action besides tackling drills during Tuesday practices. After the game Peter will celebrate by playing ultimate frisbee with his hippie friends. UPS 0 - Loggers 590
November 8th: UPS v Willamette in Oregon. This will be an exciting game but UPS will lose by one point, 14-13. It will come down to one missed extra point. SO K Alex Gardner will be blamed in the paper by Coach Willy even though coach will say at the beginning of the season he will never point out one person for a loss. After the game Gardner will listen to the Tabernacle Choir to calm down and calm his urges to punch coach in the face. The holder screwed him over, it wasn't his fault!
November 15th: UPS v. Lewis and Clark at home. UPS will end the season with a convincing win 35-10. SR OL Boone Freeman will have a great game with 14 pancake blocks. After the game he will drink a fifth of Jack and then go hunting. His hunting trip will be successful and he will kill a big 12 point buck. The blood will taste delicious and he will never be the same again.
This will bring the UPS season to a close with a final record of 5-4. There you go...that is how the season will turn out. I really don't believe that any of my predictions will be wrong.
Here are my picks for Week 2 of the NFL season:
Tennessee over Cincinnati
Green Bay over Detroit
New Orleans over Washington
Kansas City over Oakland
Carolina over Chicago
New York Giants over St. Louis
Jacksonville over Buffalo
Indianapolis over Minnesota
Seattle over San Francisco
Atlanta over Tampa Bay
Arizona over Miami
San Diego over Denver
New England over New York Jets
Pittsburgh over Cleveland
Dallas over Philadelphia
Houston over Baltimore
Last week: 9-7
Season: 9-7
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